Background Noise: Friends
Last website visited: nytimes
Mood: pensive (great word)
Right now i want... ?

before i get in to what i really want to write about, :) there's going to be a new special on Harry Potter tonight on KQED! :) yeay! how exciting is that?

there aren't many people in this world who i worry i will disappoint by my behavior. not my school work, or my work work, or how any performance goes, but disappointed by things i have done in my personal life. i'm not used to feeling like i need to censor my views and past so as to not offened a friend. i mean, i censor most of my life from my parents and family, that's a given. and i censor most of my private (read sex / love) life from my friends, because, well, i just don't see the need to share, and it makes me uncomfortable. i just never worried i would loose any of my friends because of what i censored.

... i'm not explaining this well.

the problem is, in many respects, there are things i accept i shouldn't; i have and do because i know at some point, my expectations are unrealistic in modern society. then again, i really wish they weren't unrealistic. there are morals and standards and ethics and rules of behavior and conduct that should be followed, to show our respect and love for our friends and neighbors.

only, i'm so used to looking past what once embarrased me, or i found crude or over the top, that i no longer find those things shocking. and i forget that there are people who, magically, still do.

and i want to protect them, from gaining the harder skin that i did. but then, how can i keep life from them? it's certainly not my job to act as babysitter or shield. and i can't stand that my behavior may be called hypocritical.

things to think about. i should really just ask the questions i want to, find out what the boundaries are, and where they stand, and how i stand within that. i should be able to accept that i can't control how others percieve me, and i shouldn't try; because the image that i then project isn't a true one. i should just ask. induldge my curiosity.

there are times when i'm just a damn coward.