Background Noise: Hands Down, Dashboard Confessional
Last website visited: i forget.
Mood: distracted, horny, worried (separate issues)
Right now i want... to be able to focus

i'm so distracted this morning. without being unnecissarily graphic, i can't concentrate, and it's driving me nuts. i haven't had sex in 4 months, and let's just say i'm well aware of that fact. damnit.

it wouldn't be so much of a problem if i wasn't keeping me from being as productive at work as i want to be. i just feel like the last 2 weeks, i've had so many distractions (of different natures, get your minds out of the gutter, lord knows i'm trying) that i haven't been getting as much done as i have ment to. the problem with this charming problem is, i'm not getting as much work done as i need to to be on schedule. and now that i'm working at a real job with real deadlines and real deliverables i don't get to be distracted. i need to be productive. and for the life of me i can't seem to focus.

i had strange dreams last night. strange in their normalness, strange in how i reacted to some very simple wants, simple images, of very complex issues. i don't remember everything, just that at some point, i was in that park in the foothills watching the sunset with strong arms around me, leaning back and relaxing and enjoying just being there, with whoever was sitting behind me; i remember feeling safe, and comfortable, and loved and clear headed. i was trying to think of the last time i felt that way, when there was someone actually there holding me that way.

it's been too long.

it's a beautiful day. it will be a beautiful night. there's a beer bash tonight, i don't know if i'll go down for it. i want to see a movie or something tonight, go out, be around people.

i read 2 trashy, girly, novels last night. [side note: my mother would be very disappointed with my improper use of numbers today instead of writing out their names, i just noticed that. i'm not going to change anything, just noted for the record]. anyways,... wait. nope, sorry, changing my mind, i'm not going to write about this, the whole friggen point was to distract me, get me thinking about something else.

my boss is back from las vegas (NAB). we're going to have a team meeting monday to discuss our progress, and i... i'm worried that i won't have enough finished to make him happy. now, i don't actually know how much i need to have done to make him happy, but i'm worried i won't have enough done to make ME happy. i don't know what evan's been working on, or how far he's gotten, and i know we both have our moments and afternoons when we just seem to goof off and stare blankly into space, but.... this is what i want to do. i love being here. i love my job. i don't like feeling worried about keeping it. i'm sure that won't actually be an issue at this meeting, i just....

i don't like disappointing people.

i've never disappointed my boss. i know i will, at somepoint. but he works so hard, i want to help. i've been here long enough that i feel i SHOULD be helping more than i have, simply because i'm at a place where i finally understand how the pieces of our project fit together. i have a greater understanding of how the code works, and interacts, and how my changes affect that.

i want to sing. i have these songs in my head, i just need to belt them out and... maybe then that will be one more desire sated. i feel like i could run a marathon right now. drive all day. go do something spontaneous and ....

what the hell am i running on about.

:) sorry guys. i don't get like this often. it's almost lunch, maybe i'll drive somewhere, clear my head, and come back. that just might help.

as long as i don't do something stupid, like go sleep with kevin. ha. stupid, stupid, stupid. that's right, dan. girls can be really really dumb sometimes, and the bitch is, we know it. or at least, i do.

and then i go and do it anyways.

[ps -- sorry kev, that doesn't mean i'm going to come jump you.]