Background Noise: What do you do with a BA in English? Avenue Q
Last website visited: new clues.
Mood: worried, confused.
Right now i want... ?
i'm an idiot. ok, i've been saying that a lot lately, but, i continue to find new reasons; or rather, furtherances (is that a word?) of old reasons. it happened at lunch, or after, rather, what i'm going to write about. i've been back at my desk for a few mins and kind of fretting over my reactions, and, so i'm going to write about them. for the record, most of you who don't know the circumstances of my past relationship (here comes the ex...) won't exactly understand why i find this troubling. ask if you will, i might even answer you. please don't be offended if i don't, though. this is stuff i usually don't talk about. the problem with not talking through your problems though, is, chance of resolution decreases. so. here i go. cross your fingers.
i ate lunch with my team. it was nice, generally good conversation about NAB and Avid, and it was a good break from work. after lunch, while the others walked back to the office, i stayed by the cafeteria to try barb's cell phone (voicemail still isn't working, dude). i was watching the groups of people leave the IL 1 lobby and head down the path to the cafeteria. and my eye immediatly fixed on a taller man, with a brown tshirt and jeans, slightly pudgy, with light curly hair and glasses. otherwise known as the twin. it took about .2 seconds for me to recognize him. and .1 seconds after that for my heart to start to race, my blood pressure to drop, my hands start to shake, and my jaw to drop. for the record, i noticed he was walking with my team several seconds later. i should have recognized them first, but i didn't. my ability to pick the ex out of a crowd of 110,000 people kicked in, and my eye found the twin. only, from that distance, i couldn't convince my heart that he was the twin, and not the ex.
i'm going to digress for a moment. there are a few people in this world, the ones who i care about more than myself, the ones i love, who i can pick out of a crowd at 250 feet away. it's like radar, or a sixth sense, or woman's intuition, if you like. i just do it. i don't know how, i've never thought about when i started, or how i learned, but, there we go.
maybe you can imagine how disturbing i find it that my eye then found the twin, a man whose name i still don't know, with the same ease that i find those most near and dear to me. not only is he a stranger, but it also implies that the man he looks like still occupies a good chunk of my heart; a portion i wish i could reclaim.
i started walking towards IL1. i passed my team, said hello, and he smiled big and bright at me. almost like we were sharing a private joke. only i have no jokes with him. and in reality, i don't want to have any to share with him. it's so confusing.
[side note: andy, books 2 and 4 have finished, i'll have the cd's ready for you when you get back from washington. just so i don't forget.]
the other unpleasant side effect of the what-should-be-non-encounter is that the ex is once again prominent in my mind, just as distracting as always. and damnit, i have work to do.
when is this just going to be over with. i'm so tired of the emotional stress this whole situation has caused. i was in a good mood today. i was happy. i felt rested. it was a beautiful day and i was planning what i was going to do to enjoy it later. and now, again as always, a sort of palor, or cloud has settled over my mood and my plans.
this needs to stop. every time i feel like i've made progress in reclaiming my life, something like this happens and all that progress is gone, or feels like it is.
the problem is, i can't exactly go up to the twin and say "so i know you don't know me, and i don't know you, but you look like my ex-boyfriend and i can't stand to look at you or be around you. so from now on, when you see me, and especially if i'm talking to my old team, could you just leave? please? i'd feel a ton better, thanks." he'd think i was a psycopath.
:) hehe, maybe i am.... ok, i'm going to try to pull myself out of this. thanks for listening, dear void.
Last website visited: new clues.
Mood: worried, confused.
Right now i want... ?
i'm an idiot. ok, i've been saying that a lot lately, but, i continue to find new reasons; or rather, furtherances (is that a word?) of old reasons. it happened at lunch, or after, rather, what i'm going to write about. i've been back at my desk for a few mins and kind of fretting over my reactions, and, so i'm going to write about them. for the record, most of you who don't know the circumstances of my past relationship (here comes the ex...) won't exactly understand why i find this troubling. ask if you will, i might even answer you. please don't be offended if i don't, though. this is stuff i usually don't talk about. the problem with not talking through your problems though, is, chance of resolution decreases. so. here i go. cross your fingers.
i ate lunch with my team. it was nice, generally good conversation about NAB and Avid, and it was a good break from work. after lunch, while the others walked back to the office, i stayed by the cafeteria to try barb's cell phone (voicemail still isn't working, dude). i was watching the groups of people leave the IL 1 lobby and head down the path to the cafeteria. and my eye immediatly fixed on a taller man, with a brown tshirt and jeans, slightly pudgy, with light curly hair and glasses. otherwise known as the twin. it took about .2 seconds for me to recognize him. and .1 seconds after that for my heart to start to race, my blood pressure to drop, my hands start to shake, and my jaw to drop. for the record, i noticed he was walking with my team several seconds later. i should have recognized them first, but i didn't. my ability to pick the ex out of a crowd of 110,000 people kicked in, and my eye found the twin. only, from that distance, i couldn't convince my heart that he was the twin, and not the ex.
i'm going to digress for a moment. there are a few people in this world, the ones who i care about more than myself, the ones i love, who i can pick out of a crowd at 250 feet away. it's like radar, or a sixth sense, or woman's intuition, if you like. i just do it. i don't know how, i've never thought about when i started, or how i learned, but, there we go.
maybe you can imagine how disturbing i find it that my eye then found the twin, a man whose name i still don't know, with the same ease that i find those most near and dear to me. not only is he a stranger, but it also implies that the man he looks like still occupies a good chunk of my heart; a portion i wish i could reclaim.
i started walking towards IL1. i passed my team, said hello, and he smiled big and bright at me. almost like we were sharing a private joke. only i have no jokes with him. and in reality, i don't want to have any to share with him. it's so confusing.
[side note: andy, books 2 and 4 have finished, i'll have the cd's ready for you when you get back from washington. just so i don't forget.]
the other unpleasant side effect of the what-should-be-non-encounter is that the ex is once again prominent in my mind, just as distracting as always. and damnit, i have work to do.
when is this just going to be over with. i'm so tired of the emotional stress this whole situation has caused. i was in a good mood today. i was happy. i felt rested. it was a beautiful day and i was planning what i was going to do to enjoy it later. and now, again as always, a sort of palor, or cloud has settled over my mood and my plans.
this needs to stop. every time i feel like i've made progress in reclaiming my life, something like this happens and all that progress is gone, or feels like it is.
the problem is, i can't exactly go up to the twin and say "so i know you don't know me, and i don't know you, but you look like my ex-boyfriend and i can't stand to look at you or be around you. so from now on, when you see me, and especially if i'm talking to my old team, could you just leave? please? i'd feel a ton better, thanks." he'd think i was a psycopath.
:) hehe, maybe i am.... ok, i'm going to try to pull myself out of this. thanks for listening, dear void.
posted by Jane at 1:26:00 PM
0 comments
Post a Comment
0 Comments: