Background Noise: a's v. sf: 3-4, bottom 4th
Last website visited: amazon's friday sale
Mood: how do you stop deja vu from happening all over again?
Right now i want... to talk to chad.

have you ever seen the movie mr. destiny with michael caine and james belushi? where a man is given a chance to go back in time and change one of the lynchpin moments in his life? you know, those moments where you know everything changes from here on out?

... now, i don't regret anything i've done. how can you? you wouldn't be the person you are without the experiences you have... they are what define you, in so many ways. like i said, i dont regret anything i've done, but i can remember with fine granularity, moments where i knew the course of my life lay in the balance. where i was faced with a choice: a or b, 1 or 2, stay or go, fish or cut bait.

... and hindsight being 20/20, i have to say, there is at least one of those key life decisions that i wish i could take back. that i fucked up; when i made the wrong choice and cause a lot of pain in the process.

being back here at apple, 3 years now after my internship, i've been presented with many memories; and, happy or sad, most of those memories, knowing what they lead to, hurt. and, all things being cyclical, i've been placed in situations that are eerily familiar, knowing i'm a different person than i was, but finding myself reacting, as if by habit, as i did so long ago.

and then my brain kicks in, the world comes back into sharp focus, and i remember why things are out of place. why i can't hang out with my friend. why he's been avoiding me. and i am forced to confront my past decisions and how they played out... makes me ill thinking about it.

i know most of you have no clue what i'm talking about, but, for those that do, i'd like to let you know: i have paid for my bad decisions, more than any of us could have expected. and i know i have hurt many of you, and i sware i will do everything i can to gain your forgiveness. because, to step on ms. austen's toes, i can't bare to think that you are alive in the world and thinking ill of me.

i'm so sorry.