Background Noise: Family Guy vs. the Daily Show... decisions, decisions!
Last website visited: op-eds, op-eds, and more op-eds
Mood: stressed and tired
Right now i want...

apathy and self-destructive* behavior, i've noticed both of these traits growing in me since i graduated from college; right along side mood swings, higher stress levels, and the inability to stop overanalyzing... well, anything.

here's the thing: i know why i'm on this mood-altering rollercoaster, i'm bored. i don't have enough to do. and it's not just quantity that i'm lacking, it's quality and variety. for most of what i can remember, i've been in school with the myriad coursework that offered, and after school there was piano, voice lessons, choir, dance class, softball, basketball, theater production, community theater, school productions, debate, forensics, community service, boyfriends, fuck-buddies, going to friend's performances or sporting events, tutoring, national honors society, ap tests, engineering coursework, photography, movies, reading, traveling, sleep, making sure my brother and sister were taken care of, and so on and so on. while i often wished i had a bit more free time, i liked having all of those balls up in the air (dirty!).

now, i work. granted, i work for an amazingly cool company, and i like my job... but... it's the same thing for 8+ hours a day, the same desk, the same view, the same bad headphones, and variations on the same problem. the same small talk at lunch. and i know i must sound like a fucking broken record, and i apologize if this is obnoxious (but really, it's my blog, i don't have to be entertaining all the time), but i want some fucking variety. when i come home, i don't want to have to debate what i can go do by myself, or if it's too late to call the east coast, or even the 2 people i know here on the west coast. i have too much time to think about mundane little interactions between people that shouldn't be given a second thought, and i have too much pent-up emotion to spend on them.

i'm tense, and i'm stressed. i need to stretch, maybe take a hot shower before i try to sleep. tomorrow i have to pay rent. oh joy. i'm a type-A personality coming down from decades of competition and rampant i-can-do-better-than-you-so-just-let-me-take-care-of-it-ism and i hate how i'm slipping.

* for the record, self-destructive isn't nearly as interesting in my case as it sounds. i don't get drunk, i don't do drugs, i don't hurt myself physically (in less you include eating too much), i don't hurt anyone else, i don't cheat, i don't steal, i don't really want to hit anybody. i just don't do my best, and i know it. and it's not that i don't have the time to do my best, i just really don't feel motivated to, when i really should. i don't pay my bills the day i get them anymore; i wait, knowing i'll pay them on time, but hopefully causing my heart to pick up a bit worrying about it... i create excitement, and really, bills aren't something i should be playing around with.