Background Noise: Comfortable, John Mayer
Last website visited:
Mood: pensive
Right now i want... to use the word fuckwit.

Today is September 10th, 2004; i'm just now realizing what that means, just trying to comprehend what that means. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of September 11th, 2001... yeah, yeah, i know, amazing how that works -- time keeps marching on, the months go round and round and inevitably we wind up back on this day, with a different year attached at the end.

i'm not prone to nationalistic imagery; i don't fly a flag on my site, i don't have a flag sticker on my car, i don't even own a flag ribbon to wear on my shirt tomorrow. but that does not mean that i have no sense of country, of history, or of my duties as an American.

so while i could have posted a picture of the flag* tomorrow, or perhaps one of the World Trade Centers pre and post destruction, i'd rather not. September 11th symbolizes so much more than just the flag for me, and posting it seems... offensive, really; an easy out for honoring such a day.

no, i'd rather wave the flag today, to remember September 10th 2001.

9.10.01 was probably the happiest day i've had in the past 3 years; i remember with perfect clarity how i felt, the hope, the joy, the sense of accomplishment, the knowledge that i was content with my world and excited for what was to come. in love and loved, starting my senior year of college, my apartment finally felt like home, just back from my internship at apple, i was getting along with my family, overly blessed with my friends... it was a perfectly pleasant september day, the sky was blue and clear, the grass was green, the breeze was gentle.... sorry, i have to stop. as i was going to get a drink of water earlier i debated posting a comparison chart, my life 9.10.2001 v. 9.10.2004; i made myself ill thinking about it.

as dramatic as it sounds, my life changed completely that next morning.

the last two years, i was able to honor the anniversary in Ann Arbor by singing at the Memorial Concert along with the University Choirs; it wasn't much, in the grand scheme of things, but gave me something to do to be a part of my community. to feel a part of a greater grief, similar to yet very separate from my own. i mention this because, now that i am here in california, i don't know where to go tomorrow beyond a bar to watch football. amazingly enough, that doesn't even come close to cutting it. i looked in the paper for memorials i could go to, but the only thing i found was a church that would allow the community to come pray if they felt like it or a moment of silence at an art fair. and that ill feeling keeps coming back....

all in all, i'm tempted to get royally plastered tonight. but i'm not going to do that, i refuse to do that, numb myself from facing the reality of my past. instead i'd like to celebrate life and the future, time after all keeps marching onwards, and the sun will come out tomorrow --especially being in the bay area. so i am going to meet up with my new friends and smile and laugh and quite possibly play with a baby.

and tomorrow, i will say my pledge of allegiance. and i will hail the victors as they wipe the field with that school from South Bend. and i will play the Offertory, the Lacrimosa, and the Hallelujah as i light my candles and raise my glass to the fallen. but i will not mourn the relationship that died that day, and i will not regret the life i was looking forward to that was not to be.

*i'm an engineer; i'll fly the flag's specifications; the width and height and fabric weight are much easier to explain than its impact or meaning, which are immeasurable.